This is scary...

...I mean, being vulnerable. There were two major people that I was completely vulnerable with, but they are both gone. And it has been very hard living each day without them. Life is completely different. One I talked to every day, and she knew all about the ugly me, the hypocritical me, the me that was closer to the real me than any other me I was trying to portray in public. But because of her accident, I haven't spoken to her in 2 1/2 years. The other person is Paula. It's hard to talk about Paula because I don't want to make her family feel bad. I feel badly for crying over her still, when they lost their wife and mother. I just lost a friend. and it's not fair of me to cry to them when they probably are just trying to get through each day without her. But, these people are my family, yet I don't feel I can burden them with my sadness. It's so tricky. It seems that Paula held everything together. When we were with her we knew everything would be right. She was my mentor, my sister, my dear friend. She knew so much about me, and loved me anyway. She encouraged me. and She made me laugh so hard. I loved sitting on her couch holding hands and leaning our heads against eachother. I loved worshipping with her, and talking about God with her. She loved the Lord so completely, without boundaries or worries about what other people thought. and she was a good christian - the kind that loves people, feeds the poor, helps the helpless. She could give you the cheesiest "God Bless You", except coming from her it was not cheesy - it was completely sincere. She found joy in praying f or people. There is a verse in Philippians that reminds me of her - of the kind of person she was, and the kind of person I want to be. Phil 2:14 - 16 "Do all things without grumbling or questioning that you may be blameless and innocent, children of God without blemish in the midst of a crooked and perverse generation, among whom you shine like lights in the universe, holding fast to the word of life so that in the Day of Christ Imay be proud that I did not run in vain or labor in vain. Paula was this person, that Paul told us to be. I know beyond a shadow of a doubt that when Paula saw her Lord's face, he most definiely said "well done, my good and faithful servant." and she is there, doing what she loved on earth most of all - worshipping at the very feet of the Jesus she loves so much. Man, how I miss her.