Sure it hurts, but it's necessary

So, I've been reading books by Anne Lamott lately. She's an incredible author, totally candid and honest, if not a bit irreverant. However, I find that I'm attracted to her transparency, and I see a lot of myself in her. Bottom line is, she loves God, loves Jesus, and loves people. I learn a lot from her writings, and I highly recommend her books Traveling Mercies, and Plan B (but, you must go in with an open mind :)

I would like to share what she wrote about the importance of grief. It has touched me in a big way today.

The depth of the feeling (grief) continued to surprise and threaten me, but each time it hit again and I bore it, like a nicotine craving, I would discover that it hadn't washed me away. After a while it was like an inside shower, washing off some of the rust and calcification in my pipes. It was like giving a dry garden a good watering. Don't get me wrong: grief sucks; it really does. Unfortunately, though, avoiding it robs us of life, of the now, of a sense of living spirit. Mostly I have tried to avoid it by staying very busy, working too hard, trying to achieve as much as possible. You can often avoid the pain by trying to fix other people; shopping helps in a pinch, as does romantic obsession. Martyrdom can't be beat. While too much exercise works for many people, it doesn't for me, but I have found that a stack of magazines can be numbing and even mood altering. But the bad news is that whatever you use to keep the pain at bay robs you of the flecks and nuggets of gold that feeling grief will give you. A fixation can keep you nicely defined and give you the illusion that your life has not fallen apart. But since your life may indeed have fallen apart, the illusion won't hold up forever, and if you are lucky and brave, you will be willing to bear disillusion. You begin to cry and writhe and yell and then to keep on crying; and then, finally, grief ends up giving you the two best things: softness and illumination.

This is beauiful. I like learning :)

A good day

I don't know why, but this morning I woke up happy - first time in a long time. and it felt really good. Sometimes it feels good, or it's comfortable, to be unhappy. Sometimes I feel like I'll always be unhappy. But for some reason, I woke up happy today...thanks God!

I had a spring in my step as I got ready for work, and I listened to, and sang along with, great worship music, and it was so fun! My soul has missed fellowship with God, and this morning was a wonderful reminder of how God never leaves us. He's been hanging back all along, just waiting for me to say Hello. and when I did, He was there to pour out His love and blessings on me - He's so good...all the time.

This is scary...

...I mean, being vulnerable. There were two major people that I was completely vulnerable with, but they are both gone. And it has been very hard living each day without them. Life is completely different. One I talked to every day, and she knew all about the ugly me, the hypocritical me, the me that was closer to the real me than any other me I was trying to portray in public. But because of her accident, I haven't spoken to her in 2 1/2 years. The other person is Paula. It's hard to talk about Paula because I don't want to make her family feel bad. I feel badly for crying over her still, when they lost their wife and mother. I just lost a friend. and it's not fair of me to cry to them when they probably are just trying to get through each day without her. But, these people are my family, yet I don't feel I can burden them with my sadness. It's so tricky. It seems that Paula held everything together. When we were with her we knew everything would be right. She was my mentor, my sister, my dear friend. She knew so much about me, and loved me anyway. She encouraged me. and She made me laugh so hard. I loved sitting on her couch holding hands and leaning our heads against eachother. I loved worshipping with her, and talking about God with her. She loved the Lord so completely, without boundaries or worries about what other people thought. and she was a good christian - the kind that loves people, feeds the poor, helps the helpless. She could give you the cheesiest "God Bless You", except coming from her it was not cheesy - it was completely sincere. She found joy in praying f or people. There is a verse in Philippians that reminds me of her - of the kind of person she was, and the kind of person I want to be. Phil 2:14 - 16 "Do all things without grumbling or questioning that you may be blameless and innocent, children of God without blemish in the midst of a crooked and perverse generation, among whom you shine like lights in the universe, holding fast to the word of life so that in the Day of Christ Imay be proud that I did not run in vain or labor in vain. Paula was this person, that Paul told us to be. I know beyond a shadow of a doubt that when Paula saw her Lord's face, he most definiely said "well done, my good and faithful servant." and she is there, doing what she loved on earth most of all - worshipping at the very feet of the Jesus she loves so much. Man, how I miss her.